Krista's EL JAY

Put enough monkeys in a room and they'll write Shakespeare

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Lets talk boys.
Because that's what this livejournal is for apparently.

So, I've been watching 500 days of summer a lot recently. (This is partly because I think it's a great movie and partly because my cable is out and I'm too lazy to change the dvd most of the time when I just need white noise.)

First time I saw it, totally identified with Summer.

and OF COURSE the opening song is Us by Regina Spektor. Which I will always tie to Ryan. The first time I realized I loved him, really truly 100% loved him, we were in his car, driving to Walmart, and it came on.

But there was something missing, always. Part, probably most, of it was my own insecurities. He never persued me (it felt like) I always pushed him, always seemed to prod him. Once we were in a relationship it was ok, he seemed to like me well enough, but it always seemed to be at my prompting. And I can't have that. I can't be in complete control with a guy. I can't feel that I've forced him into it. And that destroyed me. Made me feel like I was a convenience.

Even after we broke up the first time, he talked at me for a couple days, then stopped. It was on my prompting that things started up again.

And so, a year and 2 months ago I made the decision that we needed to just be done. There was always going to be something missing. We are not compatible like that. It sucks. He is the one person I trusted for a long time. And I want to know how he is. Selfishly I want to be friends. Selfishly, I want him to readd me on here so I can read about his life. I want to know he's doing well. I want to know his stupid petty fears.

But the way he expresses love didn't jive with me, and so I had to lose my best friend. I don't say any of this in a blaming way. In many ways what I did to Ryan was incalculably cruel. I hesitate to say so, because none of it was done with malice, or out of a want of revenge, but it was mean. He deserves better than how I treated him.

Because, at the same time that I felt he was a convenience, I treated him the same. He was somebody I wanted for years. Years and years. And when I finally got him, finally had something stable with him and a future laid at our feet, I decided I didn't want it. I decided my life wasn't going that way.

Which is true, the Krista that exists now is not the shy high school girl that pined over the boys who pined over katie post. The Krista now would die for her work, puts that first, and lets other things work for it.

But I'm still sorry I hurt him. And I wish we could be friends.

This is really my ass backwards way of saying I get what Summer was doing. People call her a bitch or whatever, but I get it.

Now, I identify with Tom. And I hate myself for it.

There is Quintus. Who, when I met him looked like Derek Templeton. Who said he liked fantasy and for that I instantly disliked him. Who writes beautiful words that sing to me.

There is Quintus who knows things about me I couldn't bring myself to tell Ryan.
There is Quintus who knows me as a writer first. A person second.

And there is Chelsea. Who broke Quintus. Who he is now getting over.

And there is me and Quintus. Who act like we're dating. I'm sick, he brought me daisies. Partly because of the sickness, partly because he wanted to say he was proud of me for how I did on the GRE. He brought me mac n cheese because I needed to eat.

He slept in a bed with me before he slept with me.

He's started grabbing my hand in public. Something no boy has done for me.

And I keep hearing why aren't we dating.
I don't know. really. he's healing? How long does this last? How long do we spend the night together, and do I nurse him when he's sick and do we look at eachother's work before I have the right to say that he is mine and I am his.

Everyone in the department, in our social circle sees it. Everyone. Our professors see it. I think maybe he's beginning to see it.

I'm at day 354 with him. Do I stay patient? Hoping things will turn out? Is this cosmic revenge?

Ryan Hilde is my first love. I have never loved anybody as I loved him. I doubt I ever will.

I have been heartbroken before. Jeff shattered me. Sean pissed me off, but taught me to be tough. Drift...drift hurt me, because he hurt himself. But I've always carried on.

I think about my life without Q and get sick. Part of me knows this is simply because he's such an integral part of where I am. Part of me knows that I've been through worse than heartbreak, and at the end of the day, I'd keep breathing.

May 26th with be 500 days of Quintus.

I hate this movie.


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